What are you doing New Year's?

One of my favorite tunes is the title for my post. If you haven't heard it, you should check out Harry Connick Jr. or Ella Fitzgerald's versions. I love it because it is somber, yet hopeful. It's dreamy and sexy. I've always dreamed of a guy playing it for me and asking me out for New Year's. That hasn't happened yet.......in fact as I reflect my New Year's Eves have drastically changed in the last 16 years.
There was the New Year's Eve in college where I sprained my ankle on the way IN to the party and had to be on crutches (in the snow and ice no less!) for evah.
There was another New Year's Eve in college when I came home with a friend and so didn't have "our car" (that would be the car that my brother and I shared) and had to borrow my parents' vehicle. As I was preparing to depart my mom said "Be home at 11:30". I was exasperated! Here I had been making my own decisions and living on my own for at least 3 years and she was telling me to be home before the all important kissing moment! I stomped in to the living room and asked my dad if he needed the car at 11:30 and that was why I needed to be home. He said no and so I asked my mom if she planned on going out at 11:30 and needed the car. Of course she wasn't and I now understand since I am a mom that she just didn't want me out on the roads at a dangerous time of night.
There were numerous drunken New Year's Eves because I LOVE champagne!!! There has always been good food and plenty of it. I spent one New Year's in Chicago with my best friend and her now ex-husband.
New Year's now that I have 2 kids who have only recently started sleeping through the night is quite different than those memories. We've had fondue on a few occasions with my husband's brother and sister in law. We've also gone out to restaurants a few times with friends from church. Those were good times.
It used to be so easy to stay up until midnight. Now I'm thinking of having 'midnight' happen at 8 right before our kids go to bed so they can participate on the horns and kissing. They won't get to see the ball or the Acorn drop (that's what they drop in Raleigh NC) but I think it would be fun. Dh got some horns and fun hats to wear.
So as with most posts my point comes at the end. And it is that my life continues to evolve.
So, what are you doing New Year's?

A sigh of relief

Ahhhhh. We made it. The hustle and bustle of the holidays has officially dropped by at least 50%. I am ready to pack the stuff up and get it back in the attic. I've never felt like that before. Maybe it is because we started early this year. I usually like to take the tree down New Year's day, but I think I will start removing ornaments today. We STILL have presents to open thanks to dh's big family. Every year we are amazed at how much they give us and every year we are overwhelmed. And now that all of the anticipation is over, on comes the let down. I've been feeling for a lack of a better word down. I know it has to do with the time of year. I like it warm and sunny, now is *supposed to be* the rainy, gray time of year. So I don't get to enjoy the sun as much and it effects this former California girl. I think it also has to do with this time of year being so connected to family and events with family. It's like a slap in the face or maybe a subtle jab that no one will be calling from my side of the family on the holiday to wish us anything. I should be used to it by now, but for some reason I have this naive side to me that hopes every year will be different. And then it is not. I did get one call from may Aunt. Thank god for her and her kind words reassuring me that everything that has happened in my family is not my fault as they want me to believe. That I am a good, loving, successful mother and teacher who makes her proud even if I don't make my parents proud. I really value her opinion. She and I have similar personalities and have always been close in heart even though we are not in miles. She said she wished she could be the mother to me that my heart needs and that is exactly what I needed to hear. She helped me see that I have to let the relationship with my parents go and that it is not going against anything in the Bible to do that because I have tried to make amends with them. However, I think I haven't forgiven them and that is something I will have to work on this year. So for now I am a motherless daughter attempting to raise her own child in a manner to which I am not accustomed. Which is scary territory. I need a mentor in this area, so if you pray, would you pray that God would bring someone in to my life to fill that position? Also pray for financial wisdom because we are seriously struggling and getting a second job just ain't going to make up the short fall.
So, this isn't exactly what I started out writing when I sat down, but it was on my heart and I needed to get it out. Feel free to share thoughts and advice. You could be my virtual sounding board. I like the sound of that.

Rashes, dry skin, and hives - Oh My!

Another hurrendous week teedled by and thankfully I am on what is known as a "break". We might have to debate whether I am actually doing what dictionary.com says a break is on another post; "An allowance or indulgence; accommodating treatment". Hmmmm. Anywho on to what this blog was REALLY supposed to be about.
I noticed on Thursday that Grayson had a reddish colored patch of skin on her left hand. Still haven't figured out where it came from. Then today, the little buddy incurs some hives. Once again, don't know where those came from. And finally since it has turned to winter here (just for a few days - it will be back to 65 tomorrow!) we all seem to have the itchies. So dh went and bought a nice new big old humidifier. It is super quiet which I like. Now maybe I won't wake up feeling like I slept in the desert and inhaled most of it through my mouth. That's a nice picture isn't it?!
I have decided to monitor both kids' situations. I've applied Aveeno lotion to Grayson's hand and it seems a little better. The little buddy just got a round of ibuprofen because the rash from the antibiotic on his little hiney seems to be getting bad again and I think he might be teething. His gums look they might have some square raised puffy spots.
It's Saturday night. The kids are asleep and dh went to the bar to watch the Panthers lose. It is weird to be here all alone. Not sure what I will do. Maybe watch a movie? Take a bath?
Probably just go fall asleep in bed reading. Yeah, I think I hear the flannel sheets calling me now.

Rules of Christmas from a Toddler

This is the first year that my oldest child is able to comprehend the holiday season. We have lights outside that she helped put up and she turns them on each night when we get home. We have a song from "Santa" that she loves to play over and over and each night we do read about how Jesus was born and that we are celebrating his birthday soon.
One of my favorite things to do this season has been to drive around the neighborhoods each night for about 15 - 20 minutes and view lights. Last Friday night we spent a good 45 minutes patrolling. It was great. We had Christmas music on in the car and stopped for an Eggnog milkshake to top off the event. Even my husband said it was fun!
However, through all of this I am noticing some funny things that I am calling the Rules of Christmas - from her point of view. I will add to this list as I think of more.
1) ALL lighted reindeer are Rudolph.
2) Eggnog is an acceptable substitute for milk at dinner.
3) There is only one verse of Rudolph that matters and you must sing it over and over and over. "Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say...."
4) Santa hats make interesting slippers.
5) All presents will be for Grayson!

I'd love to hear what other toddlers are thinking this year.

Soooooooo

Long time no type. Thank you to those who stop by regularly expecting something new. I can sum up the last 6 weeks since I've written in one word.

Sick.

That's right. It's been one bug or another. I was trying to think of how I could put it in a festive holiday-type song. Here is a tidbit:
5 office copays
4 ear infections
3 different viruses
2 antibiotics
1 worn-out mother. (that would be me)

I won't go in to all the gory details but I have 1 official sick day left. That's it. Then we go in the hole (MORE!) each time I stay out. And they have had fevers - high ones. Not the kind that leave after 24 hours.

I also had a blogging identity crisis. I thought perhaps I shouldn't be writing about what I was writing about and then if I wasn't what would I write about?! Like, do you really want to hear about how I grapple with how to handle the holidays without speaking with my parents? How I can't figure out how to honor their request and honor God's command at the same time? Or how my MIL drives me crazy although she is well intentioned? Or how I get so angry at my inept husband that I long for the single days except I wouldn't have my sweet pea children? Or how proud I am that my daughter hit a boy who spit on her but I had to give her consequences since hitting isn't the best response? Or how I just can't seem to shine at anything since I feel so overloaded and don't have anyone to help?

And then. It's the holidays. There are so many years of negative stuff that have happened around this time of year for me that I tend to just withdraw. And for that I say I'm sorry.

Got any ideas for me on the identity thing? Or advice on the relationship thing?
So - enough about me. What's been going on with you?

When's it due?

Apparently my loose fitting clothing is giving people who haven't known me before this year the WRONG impression - one that I am with child.
Now, I thought the first time I would let it pass. I was wearing a dress and my tummy did feel a little more jiggly than usual, so I guess one could assume I am of childbearing age and possibly carrying one.
Then, again, I was asked. This time I could not ignore that I must still look pregnant even though I delivered almost one year ago. I was dumbfounded both times and could not figure out what to say. Here are a few thoughts:

Mind your own business
I just miscarried
Dec. 1........2006 (which was really his due date)

What are your ideas on how to respond?
I guess I'm taking it as reminders to stop eating so much junk and exercise more. Although it does hurt my feelings.
I told my husband because when we married I was a size 6. I have kept just a few items when I was cleaning out the closet before we moved to remind me how small I used to be. I am now not a size 6. I am a 12 on a good day. Does that mean that I am twice as large?
I haven't actually measured myself nor do we have a scale for me to go by. I do know that the clothes I bought to wear when I went back to work after having Grant seem to be a little tight. Which means that I have GAINED weight since January.
Perhaps this is hard for me because I have been small all my life and have always been able to eat whatever I want. I did not gain much weight with either of my pregnancies - 23 pounds with Grayson and 18 with Grant.
I have always known that if I did gain too much weight I would have a hard time losing it.
And that seems to be holding true. Which is why I get asked - when's it due?

Quiet = bad

Since I will be spending larger amounts of time in math(courtesy o' my principal) my brain is thinking in different ways. What was once a twisted trail (ah, yes, alliteration) of words is now *sometimes* straight-forward and logical. Go figure! (no pun intended)

The new equation is: Quiet = bad.

This applies to children. I especially think it applies to those children under the age of 5. This weekend my husband and I both had many tasks which we needed to complete. I will tell you on a regular weekend when this happens it usually works out that we talk about what needs to get done and then I watch the kids after he returns from work so that he can do what is on his list. Never is the childwatching returned so that I may work on my list accomplished. I have to fight my way through one-handed to finish anything. Most things get started, and are then interrupted by little people who can't go to the bathroom by themselves or feed themselves. I digress.....back to Quiet = bad.

I guess the severe lack of uninterrupted sleep has caused my mother's intuition to be defunct because normally I can ward off some evil. Not this weekend.
will be by with her white glove. Grayson has gotten particularly good at going to the bathroom when she needs to. She doesn't tell us, just heads to the bathroom. This makes me oh-so happy to not have to change or spend money on diapers. She still has a few things to work on, such as wiping and washing hands afterword, but the pee-pee is in the potty 99% of the time. It is because of this that I did not suspect anything. I had a million things on my list I needed to do because next weekend is the family birthday party for my little people and super-perfect SMIL will be around with the white glove. ANYWHO, Grayson entered the bathroom and I got busy in various parts of the house and then realized



it's quiet.


Oh NO - TOO LATE. The first time it happened she had gotten in to her new Princess toothpaste -("Mommy it comes out like a heart") and had sucked a good portion straight out of the tube in addition to smearing a heavy dose on the bathroom counter because "It needed to brush its teeth too". When dh saw it and was amused, I told him he could clean it up if he thought it was so funny.
The next incident occurred during the hurried dinner making fiasco time.
ONCE AGAIN under the guise of going to the bathroom she disappears. In the meantime I am checking peas, listening for timers to go off, and then


it's quiet.


OH CRAP not again! She had emptied these shaped soap flakes; a few in the tub, the rest on the floor and her brother was scurrying to taste them.

So remember, in the future, if you are a new parent, a parent to be, or not yet a parent.

Quiet = bad. It could save you unnecessary cleaning up.

In case you haven't tried it....

Sierra Mist has cranberry splash back - you know, just in time for the holidays. I remember seeing it advertised and not being able to find it last year. Well, just like with the orange-filled oreos for Halloween, one must strike early. Dh found this in the store and brought some home.(NOT DIET! this was the only picture I could find) It was delightful and as Grayson would say de-wicious. Pick some up if you can. The cranberry is not overpowering. Just a splash as its title would suggest.

Some things they just don't understand

For example - daylight savings time. Or is that what we just ended? I never can keep it straight. I just know to fall back in the Fall and spring forward in the Spring.
Anywho. Although we kept the little people up an hour or so later last night, their internal clocks have not yet adjusted leaving us(oops I mean me, dh is still sleeping) up at their "normal" time which was one hour earlier today. Hopefully, I'll get a nap later. (Yeah right with football on?!)

My principal + a problem = solution (me)

My once seemingly well-balanced plate at work has simply runneth over this past week. I don't think I've explained my job as it is a new position and we are somewhat ironing out the kinks while I work. I am a certified ( and certifiable!!) Middle School teacher. I have 4 areas of certification which one might say is overzealous.(yes, English is one of the areas) Someone else might say it is smart because that means I will never be out of a job. ( come on, I live in NC, we're CONSTANTLY short teachers - why do you think I moved here?!?!) But a third person could say is stupid to have that many areas because that means you will be switched every year.....which I mostly am, but I digress.
This year I get a fancy title - AIG facilitator. And since education is noted for its acronyms I will tell you that AIG = Academically/Intellectually Gifted.
That's right. As I comprehend from my interview last April I am to assist with the program AND (here comes my favorite part!) I get to teach WHATEVER I WANT!!!! That's right. Every Wednesday the top 5% of the school comes to my room to be "enriched". These kids are amazing. It makes my week. I don't feel worthy to teach them.
SO back to the story at hand (which is getting quite lengthy I might add). Besides teaching the STARS ( Students That Are Really Smart ) on Wednesdays I am supposed to be able to assist teachers by planning and/or executing lessons for the classes that they have AIG kids in. I was making my own schedule for the most part and coordinating with the 3 grade levels of teachers.
It appears my "services" are needed now in whatever classroom they receive the most parent complaints from. Doesn't matter if there are AIG kids in the room or not. Not that I have to exclusively ONLY teach gifted kids. I have taught all levels of students up until this year, so it is no skin off my nose. The problem was that by being in these other classes I was not able to "my work" which includes maintaining accurate files (close to 225) and I had a big report due yesterday.
I am being ping-ponged between two main classes - 6th grade math and 8th grade English. The 8th graders' teacher is on maternity leave and they need to be ready for Honors Freshman English next year. Having a substitute who just writes the assignments on the board will not do it. The 6th grade teacher is entering teaching from another position. This is his first ever teaching gig. Teaching my friends is not for the faint-hearted. This gentleman is mathematically sound, but has not refined his discipline or teaching techniques because this is his first teaching gig. Which is where I enter the picture. I thought I had raised him up enough in the six weeks I was going in there so I exited to handle the English because the two class times clash. However in the 2 weeks I was out of math the parents raised enough of a stink that I am now back in math


for the whole year.

My principal and I had a chat after I visited the director of Gifted Services for our county and attempted to set up a schedule.
My principal explained that this (probably meaning the parents who were complaining) is problem. While there were other solutions such as changing students' schedules he was not willing to do that. Which means that I am his solution ( which is what I said to him). SO the new math is
principal + problem = solution (me)

The other facilitators at my school are aware of the problem and so we joke that if they have any problems, I might be able to solve them since I am the solution.
Just let me know if you have any problems, I might be the solution to them too.

Only a man

The leaves are finally changing colors here in the Southeast. This requires men to pull out the heavy artillery - jet pack leaf blowers. I was somewhat startled by the sudden whirr outside my classroom window today, so I leapt to the window to see the custodian
with his jet-pack leaf blower on
blowing
one
leaf
all
the
way
down
the
covered
walkway.
And thus the title of tonight's post.

Lunch is not the same

After almost 2 months of school I have come to the conclusion that lunch is not the same without Oreo cookies. I have sampled other cookies just to give them a fighting chance, but truly lunch is not the same. I bought Chips aHoy when they were on sale, but as soon as I could, I purchased some Oreos leaving the previous cookies in the pantry for anyone to eat. I think the family probably thought I was being nice. You see, I don't like to share two things. One is ice cream and the other is Oreos. In fact, I have various hiding places to conceal this luscious treat just for myself. I'm not going to post them because on the off chance my husband takes the time to read this, then I will no longer have Oreos for myself. A week or so ago I lucked up and found some of the Halloween oreos with orange icing. My husband found the hidden location of said Oreos, ate more than his fair share and then demanded I purchase more. I searched 4 stores for more, alas, we are doomed to traditional double stuff.
My affair with Oreos is a long one. My dad used to eat his for breakfast. I just realized that my mom used to hide them from me, and maybe that is why I do the same now! I like to make up desserts using my beloved cookie. My favorite involves ice cream, hot fudge, and Cool Whip. I didn't say it was healthy!
Not even the blonde oreos would do. While still an Oreo, it is the chocolate cream combination I crave. There's nothing like it. I might even trade a homemade chocolate chip cookie for an Oreo. It's milk's favorite cookie and it's mine too.

More weird things about me

After the success of last weeks' weird things about me post, I found out I wasn't so weird! In fact, who would have thought that more people don't like to breathe other people's breath while they are sleeping? Here are a few more tantalizing tidbits:
1) I like to eat all of one food on my plate before I start another.
2) I don't like the different foods on my plate to touch.
3) I like to cook or bake, but don't like to do the dishes. I also like to eat what I've made and critique it for how I would fix it the next time.
4) I like a little bit of butter underneath the peanut butter on my PB & J sandwich. This one comes from my Grandma. She said it helps to keep the sandwich from sticking to the top of your mouth.
5) I only shave my legs if I'm going to the doctor, or it is time to wear tights. I have very blonde leg hair and you can barely see it because it is so fine.
6) I hate/ can't shave my legs in the shower, I have to do it in the bathtub because I'm a perfectionist.

Can't wait to hear the comments from this week's installment.

From bad to worse

So we started the day sleep deprived and grumpy and we are ending it well, sleep deprived, grumpy, and lacking daycare. That's right I arrived to be told that we have two weeks for something miraculous to happen and our name to come up on one of the many lists that we have been on for years. What hurts a little more is that we have been friends with this person and she is aware of the fact that we don't have family nearby. I could go in to more detail about how we have paid her in full and appreciated her when no one else was and this is how we are repaid!?
Hope the rest of the week isn't this bad! Sheesh.

A Case of the Mondays

Some of you may be familiar with this line from one of my favorite movies "Office Space". In case you have been sleeping under a rock and haven't seen this movie here is a quick explanation. The co-workers in the office repeat that line over and over to a particular worker because of his behavior on Monday. It becomes irritating because he doesn't feel like anything is wrong. However, it applies today because we just TOTALLY got off to a bad start.
I awoke suddenly at 3:30ish because I heard Grant crying. I figured he was probably cold and hungry. He didn't eat very much dinner and wouldn't keep the blanket on when I tried to put one on him. He was NOT going back to sleep after he ate on one side, so I switched him to the other hoping to hear those sweet little breath sounds change to slow ones which means he is asleep and I can lay him back in the crib. At about 4 his sister wakes up crying - after a record 17 days without an accident, she wet the bed. Greg pops his head in Grant's room and says she will need dry jammies. (Her dresser is in the closet of his room because I got tired of her pulling all her clothes out of the drawers and leaving them on the floor when it was in her room). Grant thinks this means it is time to play, but is heartbroken when I return him to his crib. I go next door to help take care of the pee-pee situation since daddy doesn't know where anything is.(like dry sheets, etc.) I start rocking her while he attempts to mop up the effected area on the bed. After 20 or more minutes of work we decide to make her a bed on the floor to finish the night out. It is now just about 5 a.m. when I return to sleep or rather bed because it was too long to be up and I have a hard time going to sleep.
This time that we were awake affected the kids too. Not only did WE not want to get up (ya know, the responsible adults, HA!) They didn't want to get up, Grayson couldn't make the simplest decision and changed her mind 20 times about shoes,pocketbook, and breakfast.
Needless to say this caused me to be 20 minutes late for work and have a case of the Mondays. Maybe if I could go to Chotchskies and get a cup of coffee my day would be better? Or perhaps I could beat the printer with a baseball bat? I definitely don't have enough flair. I do have a meeting later, but not with the Bob's. Anyway, that was a bunch of references to the movie. You should really see it if you haven't. I bet watching it would help my case of the Mondays!

An artist at work

In addition to the picnic, swinging, and wagon ride, Grayson wanted to paint the sidewalk. We changed her clothes in to something that it didn't matter if the paint stained and set to work. I'm not exactly sure what these are, but here they are.

BEE-utiful day

Grayson is in love with her Halloween costume. She likes it so much, she wouldn't even let me clip the price tag off! Not only that, it has been a beautiful day. We've gone for a wagon ride, had a picnic, swung on the swings and will head to a Fall Festival with jumping things to wear out energetic almost three year olds at a local church.
In addition to it being bee-utiful, the boy turned 11 months on Thursday and so I must show you his big boy look.
Such a happy boy! I forgot to mention that the Fall Festival is free and I got some good shots of Grayson painting the driveway and herself that I will have to post for you l8tr! Man, every time I see how big his noggin is, I am almost thankful I had a c-section!

Dry Spell Over!!

I imagine that is what the newspapers will say. You see for the first time in about 6 weeks we had measurable rain! I was actually excited about it. I rushed out of the bathroom and awoke my snoring husband to share the good news. ALL our plants look sooo sad. And while I was preparing for my day in the bathroom I started thinking about how my life has dry spells too. (I'm sure my husband thinks of our sex dry spell almost daily!Doh!Poor fella.)
I'm kind of in a spiritual dry spell. It's very hard for me to get motivated to rush and dress the family and then get buckled in the car, and then unbuckle and attempt to carry Grant with one arm while carrying the diaper bag, my pocketbook, and hopefully Grayson's hand through the parking lot and down the long hall to the nursery. Once the children are settled I attempt to worship while waiting on pins and needles until my number comes up indicating it is time for me to assist the nursery with my crying/upset son. This usually occurs right as the message is about to start causing me to miss it or right near the end so I miss the final points. Also, tonight is Bible study. I don't even know where the book is, so how could I read to be prepared? It's a couples Bible study, so we're supposed to be "sharing" the book. I can just tell you that ain't happening. Is it ironic that the book is about being closer to God and yet I feel more distant than ever? I know it is my own doing, I just don't know how to un-do it.
I read on one of the many church signposts that I travel by each day this saying:
"Pray for rain and then carry an umbrella."

I'm still trying to figure that one out in relation to my life. What do you think it means?

Grant's First Haircut

After daycare called yesterday afternoon to say that she would be closed again today (this is costing me $100 a day by the way!) I decided it was time for drastic measures. I have always loved little boys with those soft buzz-cut heads and so I thought when Grant turned one (which I don't know why the rule is to not cut their hair until they are one anyway - who made this rule and why am I expected to follow it?!) I would get him a little buzz. Well, the sitter's doctor recommended we do it.
So we did.
She also suggested that we get our kids on this powerful medication that helps them to resist the lice. I am not going that far. I believe I did a thorough treatment the first time and just did one yesterday to humor her. ANYWAY, I digress (what would my blog be without some of those?!?)
So the hairstylist called at about 3 to say she had a cancellation at 4:15 and was I interested? Heck ya! So we got both kids hair cut. Now that it is over, I can't help but miss his hair. I mean it is only hair and it will grow back, but I still miss how he used to wake up with "horns" because it was sticking up. Yeah, it will grow back. I also can't help but feel he looks a little like a cancer patient. It makes me sad. But, it will grow back right? He's a little cranky today. I don't blame him. Here are a few pictures to commemorate the event.
Before:
That's chocolate juice dripping off his mouth.
This next one makes me flash to the future if he should join the Armed Services.


And the final outcome:
And now, just so his sister has equal blog-time (which I noticed she did not have any pictures!) Here is one that makes me laugh because the delay on the camera is just long enough that instead of catching her standing on the stool and being told to get down, it caught her falling.
And last but not least, her new jammies and hair.
She matches her wall!

I'm gonna get you sucka

So I guess I must have SUCKER tattoed on my forehead. I have a gut feeling about things. For example over the summer when I lost my job and then they found money and reinstated me. I had a gut feeling it would work out. But last night's gut feeling was that this is wrong.
Going back to my beliefs as a Christian, I think everyone deserves a second chance. And that we should help other people. Okay now that you know two of my basic philosophies I'll tell the rest of the story ( as Paul Harvey would say ).
I was approached in the driveway by a guy that I recognized as living in my neighborhood. Usually he is pushing a mower and offering to mow yards, but since we haven't had any measurable rain in 2 months, nobody needs their yard mowed. (Not that we ever allowed him. He's also tried to get gas for his mower from us and I had to be rude to get him to leave, but still he returns.) SO I guess he was trying to cook up a different way to get some cash. He and his "nephew" aka a young school age kid were working the neighborhood trying to "raise money" for the local school fundraiser. I have been with this system 10 years and know that for 2 of the schools I've worked at checks for fundraisers were made out directly to the PTO. This guy wanted me to make it out the boy for $3 more than the item I was buying and I would get the difference a week from Fri. when he delivered my product. So my gut was telling me - NO WAY. But then my head starts in telling me "Maybe the school has to cover a lot of bounced checks and they add the cost to make sure it clears." Well, I should have gone with my gut. I called the school this morning. Then I called the bank and put a stop payment on the check. Now I will be religiously checking the account online to make sure he isn't check washing or doing something else with our little bit of savings.
If I could just say NO then this would not be a problem. Is this a reminder not to trust people or that I need to be stronger? Some day I'll learn.