Sometimes I must confess I feel lost in this life I'm living. I haven't figured out why. I speculate a few theories.(which I might go in to another day) They have to do with the mistrust and lack of guidance from my parents. I'm a motherless mother - attempting to do things differently from the way I was raised. It is definitely a challenge to guard all the words that come out of my mouth before they exit it. The legacy I want to carry on is not one of hurt but that of love. Quite a big accomplishment when I look at back at my childhood. What I'm leading up to is this feeling of being lost makes me feel like I'm a shadow of what I used to be, at least with the good qualities and hobbies I used to pursue. Perhaps those talents are just on hold while my children are little? But they too feel as if they are withering from the lack of sunshine and nourishment. I could make a list of the many things I used to do before I had kids that I enjoyed and no longer do. It seems like the person I was even 5 years ago is here, but only in the background. Somehow, becoming a mom consumed "me" and that's what makes me a shadow of myself.
In other news.... I made it through my first gym workout with my husband. What he doesn't know is how much I hate the gym, sweating, and exercise in general. I have a free 30 day membership. Only 29 more days.......He is just trying to help me achieve my goal mentioned in a previous post. Did I mention that I hate the gym?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
My 39th summer
WOW - that is a hard title to type! As I was walking with my good friend Allison today she said "So, how is your 39th summer going?" I gasped. Oh MY GOD! I am 39. I forget that A LOT. Not just because I have a 1.5 and a 3.5 year old and basically went without sleeping a solid night for about 2 years of my life. Sleep deprivation will do things to your mind - that's why they use it in war.
I know there are many things I have forgotten - mostly people/students names, some memories (which might be good especially if they are family related!). But, how on earth do I forget my age? I guess it is because the majority of people I converse, work, or spend time with are younger than me, and so it is easy for me to assume their age until there is an 80's reference. This happens with my husband A LOT. He is 6 years younger than me and so if a particular song comes on I'll say "Man, I remember roller skating to this" and he'll be like "I remember riding my tricycle to this!?"
I feel I should set some goals at this point. I have decided to share them with you. For example, I want to lose the last bit of Grant/nursing weight. That would be a good 15 pounds. My dream is to wear a size 8 again, but I'll be happy with a 10 which is 2 sizes smaller than I am now! This weight loss feels eminent. Like, if I don't do it NOW, then I won't ever lose it. To coin a phrase - it's now or never. To achieve this goal I have already started eating better and less ( I am guilty of stress and boredom eating) and exercising more. It is all about the math - less calories in = less calories to work off. Plus I feel better about myself when I am smaller because for 33 years I was petite. I can actually remember at one point in my life being put on a diet to gain weight!
Mostly, I don't feel 39. There are mornings like today where the whole left side of my body is aching. Maybe it has to do with the excess weight. But mostly I feel less than 39. Perhaps it is because I have small children, or I teach kids, but it just shocks me to hear that I am 39. I'm not sure where I was going with this, maybe it's because I am 39~!
I know there are many things I have forgotten - mostly people/students names, some memories (which might be good especially if they are family related!). But, how on earth do I forget my age? I guess it is because the majority of people I converse, work, or spend time with are younger than me, and so it is easy for me to assume their age until there is an 80's reference. This happens with my husband A LOT. He is 6 years younger than me and so if a particular song comes on I'll say "Man, I remember roller skating to this" and he'll be like "I remember riding my tricycle to this!?"
I feel I should set some goals at this point. I have decided to share them with you. For example, I want to lose the last bit of Grant/nursing weight. That would be a good 15 pounds. My dream is to wear a size 8 again, but I'll be happy with a 10 which is 2 sizes smaller than I am now! This weight loss feels eminent. Like, if I don't do it NOW, then I won't ever lose it. To coin a phrase - it's now or never. To achieve this goal I have already started eating better and less ( I am guilty of stress and boredom eating) and exercising more. It is all about the math - less calories in = less calories to work off. Plus I feel better about myself when I am smaller because for 33 years I was petite. I can actually remember at one point in my life being put on a diet to gain weight!
Mostly, I don't feel 39. There are mornings like today where the whole left side of my body is aching. Maybe it has to do with the excess weight. But mostly I feel less than 39. Perhaps it is because I have small children, or I teach kids, but it just shocks me to hear that I am 39. I'm not sure where I was going with this, maybe it's because I am 39~!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Hey!
Hey - how are you?! It's been over 4 months since I've typed. Things got worse for a while at work and then they got better. And now it is summer break. I went to a great workshop today. It's nice to be treated like the professional I feel I am. What have you been up to? I've got a bunch of things rolling around in my head to type about. Hope you will enjoy reading them, give feedback, or maybe think. I'll be back - hope you will too. :-)
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